As my wife and I approach our twentieth wedding anniversary, I find myself reflecting on what the last two decades have taught me. I’m reminded of the opening line of A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens:
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
The last two decades have the most joyful moments of my life, but also the most painful. And the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that that’s how it’s supposed to be.
You see, I don’t believe that marriage is sustained by chemistry alone. It’s sustained by decisions. By showing up even when you’re tired, apologizing when you’d rather defend yourself, and by choosing the same person again and again – not because it’s easy, but because it matters.
And it requires forgiveness. Forgiving your spouse and forgiving yourself, because both of you will fail at times. It’s not ideal, but it is normal.
You don’t marry a finished product. You marry a person in progress – and if you’re lucky, you both grow together in ways that compliment and sustain one another
In my novel Into the Night and Gone, those sentiments are summed up in the following words:
“Marriage is work, and it’s compromise… It’s two crazy, broken people choosing to love each other despite those things. It’s not easy. It’s hard. If both people are willing to do that, then it’s worth it.”
Twenty years in, I can say this with confidence: no marriage is perfect. But if both people are willing to do the work – if they’re willing to stay, to love, to forgive – then it’s worth it.
More than worth it.